like being isolated?

So very interesting.

mosprob:

I was having a coffee with my friend in Kensington on Sunday. Sitting opposite us was a man, maybe in his fifties, looking a little scruffy and reading his newspaper. Every now and again he would lift his head up from the newspaper and slowly look around the Starbucks. After absorbing the scene he would turn his head back down, so slowly that it appears he wished he had seen someone he recognised, or was looking for something so he wouldn’t have to keep reading. Basically, he looked sad. My friend put her coffee down and said, “I hate seeing people alone, it makes me so down.” This got me thinking.

Being alone is the greatest human fear. This is why man makes excavations into the wild, looks into space, implores beyond the skies seeking God, searching for connections so as not to be alone. Connections with each other is the essence of happiness. And distorting these connections is what causes tyranny. We allow other humans to be maimed and killed, to starve and die because we do not feel any connection to them. Capitalism and consumerism takes the connection we would normally want with other humans and replaces it with a connection to things, to the point where our affinity is to our possessions and not people.

Why then, do I feel most comfortable when I’m alone? Yes, I’m an introvert, but more than that I’m what would be known as socially inept. And I reckon there are lots of people like me, people who would readily say, “I like being alone” or “I enjoy my own company”. Thinking about the importance of connections, this position seems almost non-human. Until I had an epiphany last night.

I was in bed but had left my window open. The London chill had infiltrated my room and left me shivering in my bed. Along with being socially inept, I also happen to be a lazy mofo and refused to get out of bed and close the window. So as I was lying there feeling cold, I privately scoffed at those people who say “I love the winter!” And it occurred to me that the people who say they enjoy the winter are the people who never suffer from its cold. These people do not sleep on the street on a winter’s night, nor have to be outside with old thin clothes when the snow starts falling. What they really mean is they enjoy the sense of security against winter. They enjoy that they have thick clothing, gloves, hats and scarves to protect them against the harsh weather. They enjoy sitting at home with heat whilst the bitter winds howl outside. The defiance of the cold is what they actually enjoy.

Is this the same as people who say they enjoy being alone? I realized that the reason I’m comfortable on my own is that in reality if I ever needed company, my family and friends would all be there for me. I’m not really alone, I just enjoy the sense of defiance. If I was to be left alone on an island, how long would I feel comfortable with my own company? Not long, I imagine.

I’m awkward in social settings, believe me I am. But taking satisfaction from an act of defiance isn’t real happiness. I need, and I guess secretly want, better connections with people to be truly happy.

The man reading his newspaper finally got up and folded the newspaper under his arm. His laborious walk towards the stairs brought a sigh out of my friend’s lips, “God I feel so sorry for him, he looks like he has no one in the world.” He stopped just in front of us and dug into his pocket to pull out a ringing phone. “Hello? Yes, I was waiting for the cake shop to be open, I’ll go and collect it now. Yes, they said they would provide the candles too. Tell everyone to park their cars around the back, we don’t want him to suspect we’re throwing him a party when he walks in!”

Uha.